| The "dance" of codependency requires two people: | | | | that they will be able to control this person and be |
| the pleaser/fixer and the taker/controller. This | | | | able to choose and control the dancing experience. |
| inherently dysfunctional dance can only happen with | | | | All codependents want balance in their relationships, |
| one partner who is a codependent and another | | | | but seem to consistently choose a partner who leads |
| partner who is a narcissist (abuser or addict). | | | | them to chaos and resentment. When given a |
| Codependents do not know how to emotionally | | | | chance to stop dancing with their narcissistic partner, |
| disconnect or avoid significant relationships with | | | | or comfortably sit out the dance until someone |
| individuals who are selfish, controlling, and harmful to | | | | healthy comes around, they choose to continue to |
| them. They find partners who are experienced with | | | | dance. The codependent dares not to leave their |
| their dance style: a dance that begins as thrilling and | | | | narcissistic dance partner because their lack of |
| exciting, but ends up rife with drama, conflict, and | | | | self-esteem and low sense of self-worth manifests |
| feelings of being trapped. | | | | into the fear of being alone. Being alone is equivalent |
| When a codependent and narcissist come together in | | | | to feeling lonely, and loneliness is an intolerable feeling |
| a relationship, their "dance," unfolds flawlessly: the | | | | for a codependent. |
| narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the | | | | Without self-esteem or feelings of personal power, |
| codependent follows. Because the codependent gives | | | | the codependent does not know how to choose |
| up their power, the dance is perfectly coordinated: no | | | | healthy (mutually giving) partners. Their inability to find |
| one gets their toes stepped on. | | | | a healthy partner is usually related to an unconscious |
| Typically, codependents give of themselves much | | | | motivation to find a person who is familiar...someone |
| more than their partners give to them. As a | | | | who reminds them of their powerless childhood. Many |
| "generous" but bitter partner, they seem to be stuck | | | | codependents come from families in which they were |
| on the dance floor, always waiting for "next song," at | | | | children of parents who were also experts at the |
| which time their partner will finally understand their | | | | dance. Their fear of being alone, compulsion to |
| needs. The codependent confuses care-taking and | | | | control and fix at any cost, and comfort in their role |
| sacrifice with love and responsibility. Although they | | | | as the martyr who is endlessly loving, devoted, and |
| are proud of their self-described strength, | | | | patient, is a result of roles they observed early on in |
| unselfishness, and endless compassion, they end up | | | | their childhood. |
| feeling deflated, empty, and yearning to be loved, | | | | No matter how often the codependent tries to avoid |
| but angry that they are not. They are essentially | | | | "unhealthy" partners, they find themselves |
| stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without | | | | consistently on the dance floor dancing to different |
| the potential of receiving the same from their | | | | songs, but with the same dance partner. Through |
| partner. When they dance, they often pretend to | | | | psychotherapy and, perhaps, a 12-step recovery |
| enjoy the dance, but usually hide their feelings of | | | | program, the codependent begins to recognize that |
| bitterness, sadness, and loneliness. | | | | their dream to dance the grand dance of love, |
| The codependent's fears and insecurities create a | | | | reciprocity, and mutuality, is indeed possible. Through |
| sense of pessimism and doubt over ever finding a | | | | therapy and/or change of lifestyle, they build |
| healthy partner, someone who could love them for | | | | self-esteem, personal power, and hope to finally |
| who they are versus what they can do. Naturally, the | | | | dance with partners who are willing and capable to |
| narcissist is attracted to the codependent's lack of | | | | share the lead, communicate their movements, and |
| self-worth and low self-esteem. They intuitively know | | | | pursue a shared rhythm. |