| Initiating, maintaining, and growing a relationship is a | | | | relationship." |
| lot like Ballroom or Latin dancing. Have you ever | | | | In terms of men's and women's natural wiring, the |
| watched a couple dancing on the floor moving | | | | woman is naturally better able to follow than the |
| through complex movements so gracefully and | | | | man due to her heightened sense of intuition. Studies |
| effortlessly that it seems that some magical spell has | | | | show that women have many times more neural |
| been cast that has caused the two beings to share | | | | connections between their two brain hemispheres |
| one seamless consciousness? I was mystified by this | | | | than what men do, possibly explaining why men, |
| phenomenon and was compelled to take classes | | | | stereotypically, are such comparative imbeciles when |
| myself. Being an engineer I had to analyze everything | | | | it comes to intuitive deduction and empathy. |
| I was being taught about dancing so I could break it | | | | Another interesting dynamic in dance surfaces when |
| down into all of its constituent parts and then | | | | studying the best way for each person to hold the |
| understand how they were assembled and | | | | other in the classic ballroom position (her right hand |
| functioned together. Enlightenment came largely as a | | | | outstretched to her side and resting in his |
| result of having a patient instructor at the local | | | | outstretched left hand, his right hand behind her on |
| YMCA who was also an engineer by trade. As I | | | | the lower part of her shoulder blade, and her left |
| suspected, there was much more to being a good | | | | hand on his right shoulder or upper arm). A casual |
| dancer than just being able to memorize a pattern of | | | | observer might surmise that the man is just gently |
| sequential foot placements. | | | | touching her shoulder blade, her left arm is just |
| In both the Ballroom and Latin style of couple's | | | | resting on his right, and they just happen to be |
| dance, one person has to lead and the other person | | | | holding each other's outstretched hands. Quite to the |
| has to follow. This works best if the man leads and | | | | contrary, if done properly there is always a slight but |
| the woman follows. Initially, I wasn't sure why this | | | | definite tension among the three points of contact. |
| was but eventually it became apparent. One class I | | | | This provides a more stable geometry for the dance |
| was attempting to Waltz with a woman and I could | | | | so that he can more effectively communicate what |
| not seem to turn her very gracefully. The instructor | | | | his intentions are and so that she can more clearly |
| came over and asked me if, whatever it was I was | | | | detect the subtle shifts in that tension indicating |
| trying to do, could I please stop it. I explained to him | | | | where she should move. Women have a natural need |
| my difficulty and he asked me to watch him with my | | | | for this tension because it is the means of |
| partner. He placed his hands, palms up, in front of her | | | | communication. Have you ever wondered why it is |
| and asked her to place her hands over his. She set | | | | that men are content saying (if not thinking), "Honey, |
| her hands, palms down on his at which point he | | | | I told you on our wedding night that I love you if |
| jerked his hands away telling her to hold her hands | | | | that ever changes, I will let you know," and why it |
| over his, not touching them, but maybe an inch | | | | seems to the man that when all is stable at home, |
| above. After she positioned her hands over his he | | | | the woman will seeming do something to create |
| simply said, "Now, follow me," and began to | | | | drama and disrupt that peace? |
| maneuver her around the room making her look like | | | | The reason is that most women tend to have a |
| she was a gifted princess. Keep in mind, she really | | | | natural insecurity about their desirability and need to |
| didn't know anything more than the basic step (just | | | | be continually reassured. In dance, assurance is |
| learned less than a half hour previously) and neither | | | | provided through communication via the tension in |
| was touching each other at all. Magic, right? Maybe | | | | the hold (nobody likes to dance with a dishrag). In |
| magnets? As I recall he explained it to me this way: | | | | relationship, it is provided via maintaining respect for |
| "They key is to always keep in your mind exactly | | | | each other as distinct, complete beings while the man |
| where you want to be three moves from now and | | | | frequently goes out of his way in creative and |
| exactly where you want her body to be three | | | | personal ways to let her know that he could do lots |
| moves from now. If you provide a confident lead | | | | of things with his time and energy but he chooses to |
| with that in mind at all times, she will be able to | | | | spend it with her. Notice I say frequently and not |
| 'sense' where your body will be moving next and will | | | | constantly. Provide the assurance then back off and |
| respond accordingly." | | | | let her enjoy it. Spend time doing other routine things |
| This is a lot like dating in that the woman not only | | | | or independent activities (chores, family things, |
| likes to have a man with confidence but she needs | | | | hobbies, work, etc) and wait for that insecurity to |
| to be able to feel it in order to give her perspective | | | | come around again (times vary depending on the |
| in the relationship. The woman wants to feel that | | | | woman but it WILL come around). Don't let it grow |
| confidence so that she can surrender herself to his | | | | to be a problem but wait just long enough for the |
| lead in the knowledge that she is safe. In many turns | | | | question to surface in her mind. Then, know her love |
| and spins he may initiate her turn with one hand but | | | | language, and clearly and creatively communicate to |
| he will often run the other along her waist to provide | | | | her again that she is special and that you, this day, |
| her with support and stability as she turns. It is not | | | | choose her. To the pragmatic male mind this may |
| an independent move on her part but rather she is | | | | sound like a game. It does require planning, strategy, |
| dependent upon the clarity, strength, and | | | | cleverness, and keeping track of both the clock and |
| reassurance of his lead. It is the same thing in a | | | | the score but it is very definitely not a game; it is a |
| relationship. She needs to know where he is at | | | | relationship between two uniquely wired and |
| emotionally so she can decide how much to | | | | wonderfully created people with hearts both capable |
| emotionally commit. If he is ambivalent or unsure of | | | | of love so great so as to bridge continents |
| where he is in the relationship, she (if she is | | | | (cliché but true) and at the same time |
| emotionally healthy) will become frustrated or | | | | capable of such levels of depravity so as to render |
| impatient and will soon loose interest. Sometimes a | | | | another incapable of loving or even to loose the |
| man with a weak lead in dance may cause the | | | | desire to continue living. |
| woman to stumble, will step on her toes, or in some | | | | In most of the dance classes I attended we would |
| other way make her uncomfortable. This will cause | | | | rotate dance partners so we could learn how to |
| her to naturally loose trust in him, making it more | | | | dance with other people rather than just developing |
| difficult for her to follow whatever lead he is giving. | | | | a set of sympathetic bad habits with one person. |
| If a woman in a relationship finds that he is not | | | | Every woman I danced with was different and at |
| invested in the relationship as much as she had been | | | | first I could only think of them as better dancers or |
| led to believe, at the very least she will be more | | | | worse dancers. However, as I got to know these |
| cautious and reserved with her emotional investment | | | | women better I began to pick up on correlations |
| thereafter. It won't take too many miscues from him | | | | between their dancing style/ability and their life |
| for her to again loose interest and move on. | | | | experiences. For example, one woman was tall |
| Some women will get frustrated with a guy's weak | | | | (about six inches taller than I) and very beautiful but |
| lead and will "back-lead" them on the dance floor. If | | | | was insecure about her height. She was like dancing |
| the guy has any spine at all this will create much | | | | with a limp doll. It was difficult to lead her because I |
| conflict and confusion as she will be pushing him | | | | could not get any resistance to be able to feel |
| around to tell him what she wants to do at the same | | | | where she was. |
| time that he is supposed to be communicating to her | | | | Another woman was married but came to the singles |
| what is coming up next. This never looks good and I | | | | class because her husband was not interested in |
| can guarantee the woman does not enjoy this nearly | | | | spending this kind of time with her. She would often |
| as much as if she had a competent leader she could | | | | put her body unusually close to mine and had a habit |
| feel safe trusting and following. Just as in a | | | | of touching her breasts with any part of my body |
| relationship, she really wants to dance or be together | | | | she could get a hold of or manipulate into the right |
| with someone and so, will often put up with this | | | | position. I can only surmise that she was probably |
| dysfunctional, uncommitted substitute if only to avoid | | | | lonely and very hungry for affection. Yet another |
| being alone. | | | | woman I had to remind several times to let me lead |
| I've wondered why the roles can't be reversed. The | | | | as she would compulsively attempt to back-lead me. |
| man's job as leader is many times more complex | | | | She was a beautiful and intelligent woman but many |
| than the woman's job as follower. Usually, women | | | | years ago had gone through a very abusive and ugly |
| tend to want to dance much more than men, so | | | | divorce and had been a single mother of several kids |
| why can't we have the less demanding role? I think | | | | for a long time. She was very used to being |
| the answer lies in the male and female natural | | | | independent and not being able to trust men. One |
| preferences and internal wiring. Given a choice of | | | | other woman had a similar tendency to try to |
| being unloved and unwanted or of feeling inadequate | | | | back-lead me when I was trying to learn a new |
| and disrespected, most women will see being unloved | | | | move. She would get frustrated and impatient with |
| and unwanted as the worse option while most men | | | | my mistakes as I was learning and would try to |
| would see feeling inadequate and disrespected as the | | | | "help" me by taking matters into her own hands. |
| more painful (ref: For Women Only, Feldhan, 2004). | | | | Turns out she was a bit of a critical perfectionist and |
| Giving the man the lead makes him feel trusted and | | | | had routinely cycled through relationships and |
| respected while a woman who can follow a good | | | | marriages. |
| lead feels wanted and cared for. Understanding this in | | | | To be fair, I had my own myriad of issues that |
| the analogy should help two people dating see that | | | | showed up in how I attempted to lead and dance |
| both people have different but complimentary needs. | | | | but this just further illustrates the point that not only |
| As an example, if a man picks a place to eat for a | | | | is dance a fitting analogy for relationships, but that |
| date and pays for dinner, he will have his provider | | | | the issues in the one have a directly related corollary |
| need met, especially if she tells him she enjoyed his | | | | in the other. Want to quickly get to know your date |
| choice. Likewise, she will feel much more cared for | | | | and what kind of emotional mapping they come |
| and desired if he spends the time and money to help | | | | with? Take them dancing or to dance lessons and |
| her have an enjoyable evening. While many women | | | | then pay close attention to how they respond to |
| sometimes seek control in the relationship, if the man | | | | you. I've illustrated mostly from the perspective from |
| surrenders his lead, becomes passive, and puts his | | | | a man to a woman but similar principles apply in the |
| whole heart on a platter for her, both are likely to be | | | | other direction too. If those women wanted to, they |
| seriously disappointed. To quote Daniel Goleman's, | | | | could have seen pretty deeply into my soul just by |
| Emotional Intelligence (1995), "... and everyone knows | | | | dancing with me for a few minutes. They may not |
| that nothing will turn a woman off faster than | | | | have seen a lot of detail but they could certainly pick |
| knowing that she is in complete control of the | | | | out the major landmarks. |