| Many parents are becoming aware of the importance | | | | I felt grief-stricken over some loss or other, but had |
| emotional intelligence plays in having a happy and | | | | no one to help me identify what I was feeling. My |
| fulfilling life. Recent studies have shown that a | | | | parents would tell me that I was making a big deal |
| person's emotional intelligence quotient is a better | | | | out of nothing and it was my own fault anyway. If it |
| predictor of success in life than their IQ. Because | | | | went on too long, they would tell me to stop crying |
| emotional intelligence skills are learned rather than | | | | or they would give me something to cry about. They |
| inherited, parents want to raise their children in a | | | | didn't know how to break through their own |
| manner that encourages the development of | | | | discomfort when their child was feeling miserable, so |
| emotional intelligence. I am one of those parents. But | | | | they did the best they could to make the feelings go |
| I was never really sure how to do that. For many of | | | | away quickly. They couldn't identify their own |
| us, it wasn't modeled during our own childhood. My | | | | feelings, let alone help me figure out mine. |
| daughter's stuffed animal provided an amazing | | | | So I decided to let her feel her feelings even though |
| illustration of the power of letting my child fully feel | | | | it was uncomfortable for me. At first, it was very |
| her emotions (one of the ways of promoting | | | | uncomfortable. We all feel uncomfortable when |
| emotional intelligence) and of increasing my own | | | | another person is experiencing strong emotions. As a |
| emotional intelligence. | | | | parent you can't help but be affected by your child's |
| This particular day she brought her new stuffed | | | | desperate sobs over a lost toy. You want to do |
| animal which she got for Valentine's Day with her to | | | | anything to help your child feel better. But, at the |
| dance class. She and another little girl often bring their | | | | same time you are annoyed that she is having a |
| stuffed animals to "play" with each other while the | | | | meltdown over something that could have been |
| girls take class. | | | | prevented. I was determined to do what I could to |
| Her dad picked her up from dance at 7:30 pm and he | | | | help and let her work through her feelings and come |
| hurried her along to get her home so he and I could | | | | to some conclusions on her own without letting my |
| have our dinner. Usually she likes to change her | | | | conflicting feelings about the situation get in the way. |
| clothes at the dance studio, so this was a departure | | | | One thing I did was to empathize with her and |
| from her usual routine. | | | | prompt her to identify her feelings. I said things like "I |
| After arriving home and beginning to change her | | | | know you feel badly about leaving your toy behind" |
| clothes, she realized that she left her stuffed animal | | | | and "You're feeling scared that your toy will not be |
| at the dance studio. Her reaction was immediate - | | | | there tomorrow" and "you are angry with yourself |
| she was very upset and began to cry almost | | | | that you forget your toy." I also took action - I called |
| uncontrollably about her "love frog," and how she just | | | | her dance teacher at home to find out if she found |
| got him and now he was at the studio and was going | | | | the toy and put it in a safe place. The teacher did |
| to be lost or stolen and that she wanted to go right | | | | not answer, so I left a message asking for a return |
| back and get him. And how it was all her Daddy's | | | | call. |
| fault because he wouldn't let her change her clothes | | | | As we waited for the dance teacher to call us back, |
| (her usual routine). Her grief was evident. I could feel | | | | my husband and I ate our dinner and did not draw |
| the ache in my heart for her sadness. Unfortunately, | | | | attention to the problem or try to cajole our |
| the studio was now closed. | | | | daughter out of her upset, and to our great delight, |
| I called the studio to see if the instructor was still | | | | my daughter gradually began to calm to herself |
| there, but as I suspected, she was gone. This | | | | down. She got involved in an activity and then |
| increased my daughter's agitation and she was having | | | | prepared for bed. When she answered the return |
| difficulty calming herself. | | | | phone call from the dance teacher letting her know |
| In the meantime, although my heart hurt for her, the | | | | that her toy was safe and could be picked up in the |
| thoughts going through my head were "I've told you | | | | morning, she was already calm and accepting the fact |
| not to bring toys to dance," "I'll buy you another one | | | | that the toy would not be back until the next day. |
| if that one is lost" "You were responsible for keeping | | | | I felt great about not letting my daughter's problem |
| track of your toy" and the like. | | | | become a bigger problem. I was calm and guilt-free |
| But I knew that if I said those things to her, it would | | | | and was able to enjoy my dinner and conversation |
| only have made things worse. It may have escalated | | | | with my husband. |
| the situation to where she would have done or said | | | | My daughter later said to me "thank you Mommy for |
| something disrespectful resulting in a time out or | | | | helping me feel better about forgetting my love |
| other consequence. None of it would have changed | | | | frog." That moment was priceless. And I learned a |
| the situation. It would only have caused me to feel | | | | valuable parenting lesson about letting my child |
| guilty for letting the situation spin out of control. And | | | | experience her feelings and validating those feelings |
| left me wondering how it happened. Ultimately, it | | | | without having to "fix" the situation. I also learned to |
| would not have recognized her feelings of sadness, | | | | let myself feel my discomfort and get through it. It's |
| loss and feeling upset with herself. | | | | amazing how often I have used this new emotional |
| I also remembered times in my own childhood when | | | | intelligence skill since that night. |