| What is Collusion? | | | | Everyone on the planet experiences a sense of |
| One of the most insidious and destructive workplace | | | | deficiency in some way, shape or form. It's a fact of |
| (and life, in general) behaviors impacting life at work is | | | | life. We all have some sense that we are not |
| collusion. Collusion, as I and my coaching clients work | | | | "enough" in some areas of our life, or are lacking in |
| with it, is defined as two people each co-opting their | | | | some way in some area of our life. Everyone |
| true and real self in order to support their own and | | | | experiences deficiency. Each of us has two options in |
| the other's falseness, fakeness and phoniness. One | | | | dealing with this sense of lack or deficiency: |
| result of colluding is that neither person "shows up" in | | | | 1. We can choose to "work" on our colluding to |
| integrity or authentically. | | | | understand it and our motives for colluding, and take |
| When colluding, we allow ourself and the other | | | | conscious steps to effectively melt, metabolize, |
| person to run our respective "personality program" - | | | | reduce and greatly eliminate it - in which case the |
| the self-destructive, self-sabotaging and limiting | | | | result is our "showing up" authentically, sincerely, |
| behaviors and beliefs we use in order to gain | | | | honestly and self-responsibly without the need to be |
| acceptance, approval, recognition, and control - so | | | | fake, phony or lie. |
| we can feel we are emotionally safe. Collusion is like | | | | 2. We can manipulate our self and others in ways |
| saying (only not out loud), "I'm going to let you | | | | where we ignore, deny, and resist telling the truth in |
| behave the way you want or need to so I can feel | | | | the hopes of keeping our relationship with our self |
| good about our relationship even though I know my | | | | and with others emotionally secure by ignoring "the |
| behavior and your behavior are (for example) | | | | elephants in the room" - by putting on blinders to |
| inappropriate, self-destructive, out of integrity", etc. | | | | what needs to be said, to what needs to be heard, |
| So, in this context, we're not looking at collusion that | | | | to what needs to be felt and to what needs to be |
| one would commonly associate with what we know | | | | seen, hoping that denial will "keep the emotional |
| as "fraud", but this type of workplace collusion is | | | | peace" and perpetuate the co-dependent or |
| fraudulent insofar as I am living a lie and supporting | | | | dysfunctional relationship. |
| another to live his/her lie. It's "fraud" on a deeper, | | | | The Basic Problem With Collusion |
| inner level as it relates to who I am and how I am in | | | | Unfortunately, collusion is like a drug. It's progressive. |
| my relationship(s). | | | | When we start colluding to feel emotionally safe and |
| What Does Collusion Look Like? | | | | secure, we need to lie and collude more and more to |
| In the everyday, "9:00 Monday morning" world, | | | | maintain the false feeling of emotional safety. In |
| collusion can take various shapes and forms. | | | | addition, when we collude, we are constantly in a |
| Underneath these ways of behaving is the lie. | | | | state of "vigilance", or fear, preoccupied with |
| Colluders lie to themselves and to one another. | | | | whether we will be "found out." Too, when we |
| General expressions that reflect collusion are: | | | | collude, we are constantly worried and concerned |
| · Giving to get | | | | whether our co-colluder(s) will have a "conversion" |
| · You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours | | | | and then fear we'll be left alone with the unpleasant |
| · Go along to get along | | | | and uncomfortable truth of who we are, colluders - |
| · One hand washes the other | | | | i.e., we'll be "outed." Finally, colluding is exhausting; it |
| The important thing to understand is that one's | | | | takes an inordinate amount of our physical, emotional |
| ego-needs for control, recognition and security - | | | | and psychic energy, and time to continually shore up |
| mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, psychological, | | | | relationships that have no true foundation built on |
| financial, etc. - drive one's (often unconscious) choice | | | | trust or truth. |
| to collude. This choice to collude is perpetuated on | | | | The Solution for Collusion |
| one's (often unconscious) need to hold on to one's | | | | Colluding is corrosive to one' head, heart and soul. |
| false sense of one's self, one's fake and phony self | | | | The simplest way to rid oneself of the need to |
| because this false sense of self brings (as fake as it | | | | collude is twofold: to seek understanding of the |
| is) a related false sense of security and safety. So, | | | | reasons (excuses) why we refuse to tell the truth to |
| when colluding, two people create an unspoken | | | | ourself and to others, and then set our intention to |
| agreement, a very subtle agreement, that "I will act | | | | tell the truth when often we would rather resist. |
| in this way toward you to feel safe and allow you to | | | | Simple, not always easy. From a place of empathy, |
| act in your way toward me to feel safe, so we both | | | | compassion, acceptance, strength, courage, will and |
| can hang on to our respective (false) emotional and | | | | self-love, truth-telling is freeing - mentally, emotionally, |
| psychological sense of security and stability. | | | | physically and psychologically. Truth-telling allows us to |
| More specific everyday examples of workplace | | | | show up authentically, in integrity and in an honest, |
| collusion are: | | | | sincere and self-responsible way. And, truth-telling, |
| · supporting and pledging allegiance and | | | | while initially more challenging than denial, is the only |
| loyalty to an incompetent leader, manager, | | | | way to experience a real life of happiness, |
| supervisor, direct report or co-worker so we both | | | | self-fulfillment, and true relationship with others at |
| can feel recognized, seen, and/or emotionally safe | | | | work, at home, at play and in relationship free of the |
| with each other. If I support that person, s/he will | | | | effort that's required to tap dance around the |
| appreciate my support and feel seen, perhaps liked, | | | | elephants.. |
| and I'll experience his/her appreciation which allows | | | | Meaning, happiness, and co-workers who are truly |
| me to feel seen and be "special", accepted or "OK" in | | | | friends are always at the top of the research |
| some way in the (dysfunctional) relationship. | | | | responses to the question, "What's really important |
| · sharing information with a select few (even | | | | to you at work?" You can't collude and expect to |
| though others are entitled to it as well), so I'll been | | | | find real meaning, real happiness and real, authentic |
| viewed as caring about them and they will feel | | | | friends at work. Thinking you can... is collusion. |
| they're in a special group. When I share with them, I | | | | So, our $10 food for thought questions are: |
| feel in control, and secure and when they receive, | | | | · What keeps you from telling the truth at |
| they feel special or acknowledged that I chose them | | | | work? Are you afraid to tell the truth? |
| - even though we all know we are being duplicitous | | | | · Do you collude? If so, what are some |
| and inappropriate in our actions of giving and | | | | ways you collude? |
| receiving. | | | | · Do you find yourself lying and being phony |
| · verbally ganging up on a third party through | | | | or fake to maintain specific relationships? |
| bullying, sarcasm, or gossiping. I and my | | | | · Do others collude with you, not tell you |
| co-commiserator bring a false sense of connection | | | | what they think you need to hear, for fear of how |
| and camaraderie at the expense of the third party | | | | you might react? |
| while we create our own co-dependent relationship. | | | | · How do you feel when you are in an |
| · withholding honest and forthright comments | | | | experience when you know you are colluding (i.e., |
| about inappropriate behavior in a feedback session | | | | giving to get, going along to get along, etc.)? |
| for fear of alienating a direct report, for example, | | | | · What's "right" about colluding? What does |
| whose work we respect. By resisting telling the truth, | | | | colluding get you? Is there another way to get that |
| and perpetuating this person's false belief that his/her | | | | result or experience without colluding? |
| behavior is acceptable, we both can "play the game" | | | | · What one baby step can you begin taking |
| of mutual respect, friendship and acceptance in | | | | this week to reduce your want or need to collude? |
| carrying on this phony relationship of mutual "like". | | | | (c) 2007, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and SpiritHeart. All |
| Why Do We Collude? | | | | rights in all media reserved. |
| Collusion is all about lying (colluding) to protect my | | | | You may reprint this article as long as the article is |
| and another's oft-fragile ego instead of showing up in | | | | printed in its entirety, including the author's |
| integrity, from a place of honesty, sincerity and | | | | information. |
| self-responsibility. The curiosity is why we collude. | | | | |