| Twelve is a very mystical number. There are | | | | communism is dead, and the Nazis have been |
| twelve planets in our galaxy, if you count | | | | relegated to just running our public schools. |
| Earth four times, five if you don't consider | | | | But there are lots of other things to be |
| Pluto to be a planet. There were twelve | | | | afraid of. |
| people (aside from Jesus) at the last supper. | | | | |
| And there are twelve letters in the name | | | | You're 85 years old and afraid that you will |
| Barry Manilow. So it's no surprise that when | | | | not be able to perform with your 22 year old |
| Alcoholics Anonymous was trying to come up | | | | girlfriend? Fortunately, there's now Viagra |
| with a catchy way to get people to stop | | | | that assures an erect penis. But what |
| drinking that they came up with a twelve step | | | | happens if your 110 year old mother suddenly |
| program. My 12 step program is better than | | | | rings the bell and wants you and your 22 year |
| AAs in that they only promise you sobriety. | | | | old girlfriend to take her food shopping? |
| With ours you'll make tons of money, and you | | | | Can't shop with an erection! Someone needs |
| don't even have to be sober. Heck, you don't | | | | to come up with an Unviagra. |
| even have to follow all twelve steps; you | | | | |
| should be fine if you follow just one. And | | | | Afraid that global warming will ruin your |
| if that weren't already enough, if you buy | | | | daughter's bat mitzvah? Start selling global |
| now, I'll throw in an extra step. But | | | | warming insurance. But be careful, fears |
| please, pay careful attention or you might | | | | are very trendy and easily fall out of favor. |
| just only become a billionaire. | | | | Although after the 1995 Oklahoma City |
| | | | bombing everyone was afraid of our home grown |
| Step 1: Make People's Lives Easier | | | | terrorists, they quickly fell out of favor |
| | | | for the foreign ones who often have names we |
| This morning, I woke up and immediately went | | | | can not pronounce, making them automatically |
| to the bathroom. But only fifteen years ago, | | | | more scary. |
| I would have been forced to go outside to an | | | | |
| outhouse. Indoor plumbing has certainly made | | | | Step 6: Help the Rich |
| your life and mine a lot easier and made one | | | | |
| or two inventors quite wealthy. And yet, I | | | | My partner Michel regularly goes on business |
| still have to get out of bed to go to the | | | | trips where he stays in five star hotels. |
| bathroom; there are still no toilet beds. | | | | Last week he suggested that I come down for a |
| Invent a toilet bed, matching sheets and | | | | night or two with our oldest daughter. Since |
| toilet paper, and you're on your way to | | | | I'm too cheap to ever spend my own money on a |
| trillionairehood. | | | | luxury hotel, I thought it would be nice and |
| | | | cost nothing to show my four year how the |
| How can you make your life or the life of | | | | rich live. We took a taxi from the train |
| others easier? I still have to put sugar, | | | | station to the hotel where we were greeted by |
| then milk into my coffee every morning. And | | | | a hotel employee who opened the taxi door for |
| that's not all. Then, I have to stir. Why | | | | us. Since I was not going to be paying for |
| hasn't anyone yet invented sugar milk? Or | | | | the hotel, I thought what the hell, and gave |
| better yet, why hasn't anyone invented a | | | | him a 25¢ tip. Then there was another |
| sugar milk spoon that would melt in my coffee | | | | employee who opened the hotel door for us. |
| as I twirl it around? I would no longer have | | | | Another quarter. A maid came to our room to |
| to spend countless seconds looking for my | | | | offer to shine my sneakers. As soon as she |
| milk and my sugar. I'm exhausted before I | | | | left, someone else was there offering a big |
| take my first sip. How about a | | | | chocolate chip cookie to my daughter. Within |
| sugar-milk-coffee spoon that would just melt | | | | the first fifteen minutes of being at the |
| in your mouth. Note to self, call Starbucks | | | | hotel, my free night at the hotel had already |
| and see if they're interesting in going in | | | | cost me $5. I didn't care that it was only 3 |
| fifty-fifty on this project with me. | | | | in the afternoon, I told my daughter to get |
| | | | in her pajamas, we were going to sleep for |
| Step 2: Make the Universe a Better Place | | | | the night while I still had some cash left in |
| | | | my wallet. |
| Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu, more commonly known on | | | | |
| the street as Mother Teresa, cared for | | | | It's costs a lot of money to be rich. So |
| refugees, the blind, disabled, aged, | | | | while the poor don't really need all that |
| alcoholics, the poor and homeless, and even | | | | much money, the rich do. So any way you can |
| those that overused the expression, "as a | | | | help them, I believe that you shall be |
| matter of fact". But she never really did | | | | rewarded. When you are a trillionaire, |
| much for the rich, except perhaps make them | | | | remember those billionaires who are less |
| feel guilty. So she died pretty poor. On | | | | fortunate than you are and try to help. |
| the other hand, Sir Walter Reeses boldly took | | | | There are lots of young, rich people out |
| two great tastes (chocolate and peanut | | | | there that don't really need your love but |
| butter) and put them into one candy bar: | | | | could really use some of your money. |
| Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. | | | | |
| | | | Step 7: Take Advantage of the Needy |
| Mother Teresa is up to become a saint, but | | | | |
| Walter got knighted just like Sir Paul | | | | The advantage of helping the rich is that you |
| McCartney and Sir Elton John. Sirdom is a | | | | can charge huge mark-ups like 19,000%. But |
| lot more financially rewarding than | | | | it is difficult to find people who can afford |
| sainthood. I digress. | | | | to spend $38,000 for something that costs you |
| | | | $2 to produce. You can't charge the needy as |
| How can you make the universe a better place, | | | | much, but look around you, there are so many |
| particularly for the rich? Many people focus | | | | of them. They're everywhere. For example, |
| on what the poor don't have; but what about | | | | the other day I stopped by my parents |
| what the rich don't have? Do they not | | | | house while they had some friends over. As I |
| matter? In Greenwich, Connecticut you can | | | | arrived they were talking about Barry |
| call your next door neighbor's mother a | | | | Manilow, how gorgeous he is, and how at |
| pedantic endomorph, but will gang violence | | | | sixty-three years old, he still sings like a |
| ensue as a result? Probably not. So some | | | | twenty year old. O.K., they were delusional, |
| brilliant entrepreneur invented Playstation 3 | | | | but they were not hurting anybody. And then |
| which brings all the fun of livin' in da hood | | | | for some unknown reason, they started |
| to your own home movie theater. And thanks | | | | talking about hip hop, 25 cents, Dr. Drech, |
| to ingenuous businessmen like Sean "P. Diddy" | | | | Iced Coffee, and Tupac Schomberg. They |
| Combs, bad boys throughout Connecticut can | | | | were like deer caught in the glare of some |
| listen to hip hop music, dress like gangsta | | | | car's headlights. Someone was going to get |
| bitches, and play with their X-boxes. Isn't | | | | him. I left before anyone got hurt. But on |
| the world a great place? | | | | my way home I thought about how wonderful |
| | | | (and profitable) it would be to create a book |
| Fear not, there's still room for improvement. | | | | on Explaining Hip Hop to Jewish Senior |
| The rich still get herniated discs, | | | | Citizens. You could then follow up with a |
| indigestion, and have to spend time on the | | | | book on Explaining Square Dancing to Jewish |
| weekends with their whiny kids. Has anyone | | | | Senior Citizens or Explaining Hard Liquor to |
| come up with a golf bag that is easier to | | | | Jewish Senior Citizens. |
| carry from your garage to your car and can | | | | |
| play with your kids while your sipping a | | | | Step 8: Your Health |
| martini? Maybe one that can get out of your | | | | |
| trunk and into your garage with a simple | | | | Whenever I give out advice to people, I like |
| verbal command. Go out and make the world a | | | | to preface it with the fact that although I |
| better place. For the rich. | | | | am not "an official psychologist", I did take |
| | | | a course in psychology in high school, and I |
| Step 3: Solve Problems That Don't Really | | | | got an "A" in the class. Self actualization |
| Exist | | | | is a key term and concept that is studied by |
| | | | us psychologists. Since you probably did not |
| There are two types of problems: those that | | | | take high school psychology, I'll try to keep |
| exist and those that don't exist. Solving | | | | this simple. Self actualization is the full |
| actual problems (or the ones that actually | | | | realization of one's potential. So, if you |
| exist) is difficult, time consuming, | | | | are fat, ugly, and stupid, self actualization |
| depressing, and never financially rewarding. | | | | basically means that you accept yourself for |
| Focus on problems that don't exist. Some | | | | who you are and will work very hard to reach |
| people have a difficult time telling the two | | | | your very limited self potential. |
| apart. So let me help. | | | | Fortunately, most people are totally unaware |
| | | | of self actualization, and few strive to |
| The North Koreans have nuclear weapons but | | | | become it. This is good as there is no money |
| don't have any food. So they tend to wake up | | | | to be made in a self actualized crowd. |
| cranky. It's just a matter of time before | | | | Letting people believe that they can be |
| they sell a nuclear bomb to a group of | | | | smarter, better looking with little to no |
| terrorists that own an all you can eat | | | | effort, now that's where the money is. Your |
| buffet. This is a real problem. The fact | | | | nose is too big; your penis is too small. |
| that we are all going to die, probably as the | | | | But here's a pill that you can take that will |
| winner of the next season of American Idol is | | | | change all that. And although none of this |
| just about to be announced is not only | | | | really works, isn't it wonderful that you are |
| depressing, but who the hell knows how to | | | | helping people to reach their better |
| solve this problem. Not me. | | | | potential. |
| | | | |
| The Canadians do not have nuclear weapons. | | | | Step 9: For the Kids |
| But they come into our country, dress like | | | | |
| us, eat like us, and take our most coveted | | | | My partner Michel is French, and it's so |
| jobs. People bitch and whine about the | | | | difficult to buy anything for him. He's so |
| Mexicans. But Alex Trebek, who has 100% full | | | | fussy. If I buy him a sweater, he wants it |
| control of what you see on Jeopardy, the | | | | be in his size, not mine. If I buy him |
| categories chosen for both Jeopardy and | | | | music, he wants it to be music he likes. But |
| Double Jeopardy, is not Mexican; he's | | | | he likes opera. My kids, like all kids, love |
| Canadian. The late Peter Jennings who used | | | | everything. You can take two sticks and put |
| to always tilt world news to a | | | | it in a box, and as long as you tell kids |
| Canadian perspective would dip his Doritos in | | | | that they are magical sticks, they will love |
| maple syrup, not guacamole. Will & Grace. | | | | them. Hey, that's not a bad idea for a |
| Grace- Jewish and originally from New York. | | | | business! So while I would suggest shying |
| But Will- Canadian. Not right. | | | | away from selling anything to the French, |
| | | | kids are a great market. Forgot to make |
| But there's a solution. Why doesn't someone | | | | dinner? Put out a bag of Doritos. Kids |
| come up with a line of T- shirts that say, | | | | will eat it. The French won't. And |
| "I'm not Canadian!" Of course, you would | | | | although most people hate spending money on |
| have to show your birth certificate in order | | | | their French, they love spending money on |
| to get one of the T-shirts. They'd come in | | | | their kids. |
| all different colors. There are about six | | | | |
| billion people floating around that are NOT | | | | Step 10: Stop the Madness! |
| Canadian. So the market is pretty big. | | | | |
| | | | From Baghdad to Brussels there are millions |
| So how can you come up with some problems | | | | of people dying every day in religious strife |
| that don't really exist? If the truth be | | | | and none of my tupperware tops go with the |
| known, as it seldom should, my ability to | | | | containers. It's crazy! But I am forced to |
| solve problems that don't exist is just a | | | | buy a wide range of shapes and sizes as I |
| natural talent that I was born with, along | | | | never know what leftovers I'll have. The |
| with my ability to worry about ailments that | | | | world we live in is insane, and there's lots |
| I don't yet have. This is not something I | | | | of money to be made as a result. How can you |
| learned. So how the hell can I explain to | | | | stop all this madness? There's really |
| you how to come up with your own non-existent | | | | nothing to do about all the people dying in |
| problems? Shit, this is a real problem! | | | | religious strife, but I think we can improve |
| | | | tupperware. Could it be made of a more |
| Step 4: It's Necessary-You Just Don't Realize | | | | malleable plastic? Should Tupperware come in |
| It Yet! | | | | neon colors? |
| | | | |
| Do you remember back in the 90s when NBC used | | | | Step 11: Learning |
| to call their Thursday night line-up, "Must | | | | |
| see TV."? A couple of years before Friends | | | | I've always had a hunger to learn. When I |
| was going off the air, I wrote to the | | | | was eight, I memorized the names of all one |
| president of NBC and told him to change it to | | | | hundred and seventy exits of the New Jersey |
| "Please watch TV." We're not promising | | | | Garden State Parkway. And it payed off well. |
| anything, we're asking you a favor. Didn't | | | | About a month after learning this I was down |
| listen to me, and they lost trillions of | | | | in Florida visiting my grandmother when two |
| dollars in advertising. Although not | | | | of her friends (a husband and wife) were |
| everyone can come up with solutions to | | | | arguing whether the entrance for the New |
| problems that don't really exist, we all | | | | Jersey Turnpike is Exit 129 or 139 off of the |
| should be able to determine when something is | | | | Garden State Parkway. The husband was |
| necessary even when we don't realize it yet. | | | | right (129), and paid me a dollar for my |
| The key to this is to not live your life in | | | | knowledge. I later found out that the wife |
| the present. Live in the future. Perhaps | | | | would have paid me five to have lied. But it |
| this is also the way to solve problems that | | | | didn't matter. I realized that my |
| don't really exist. | | | | knowledge could be profitable and quickly |
| | | | became a consultant to anyone needing to know |
| My daughters are all under five. But I often | | | | anything about the right exit to get off on |
| worry what if they marry men that I don't | | | | The Parkway. At the same time that I was |
| like? Everyone has children so as to have | | | | learning all the exits on The Parkway, my |
| someone to complain to when you get old. | | | | sister memorized the exits of the Turnpike. |
| "How come you never come visit me or how come | | | | But there were only sixteen of them, and she |
| you only come to visit me once a day or how | | | | was never really able to capitalize on her |
| come nobody has massaged my feet today? | | | | knowledge. So make sure to learn something |
| But what if your future son-in-laws don't | | | | valuable. If you go to a coctail party, |
| know how to massage feet? I've written up a | | | | someone may ask you who was the 8th president |
| contract that all my daughters have signed | | | | of the United States (Martin Van Buren), but |
| that gives me veto power. I'd be happy to | | | | nobody ever asks who the 8th vice president |
| send you a copy to have your kids sign. Just | | | | of the United States, who by the way was also |
| send me a check for $586 and a self addressed | | | | Martin Van Buren. I kid you not. There are |
| stamped envelope. Don't live for the day, | | | | no exits on the Garden State Parkway that |
| live for tomorrow. Everyone is so focused | | | | make any reference to Martin Van Buren. I |
| on what baby boomers are going to want when | | | | kid you not. |
| they are retired and no longer working. But | | | | |
| what are they going to want when they are | | | | Step 12: Entertaining the Masses |
| dead and no longer period? Am I the only one | | | | |
| who has come up with the idea of psychedelic | | | | According to Forbes, Jessica Simpson made |
| tombstones or being able to be cremated at | | | | more than 14 million dollars in 2005. That |
| your death and to be recycled into an incense | | | | figure could have been double or even three |
| candle? | | | | times that amount if she actually had any |
| | | | talent. Tom Cruise made $67 million in the |
| Step 5: Defending the Homeland | | | | same year. His twin brother Rush Limbaugh |
| | | | made $30 million. If Tom Cruise can maintain |
| Who was the greatest businessman of the 20th | | | | his star status for the next one hundred |
| century? That's right, you guessed it, | | | | years, he will have made over 6.7 billion |
| Franklin Delano Roosevelt. FDR coined the | | | | dollars. It's not a trillion, but if he |
| very clever phrase, "There is nothing to fear | | | | invests in the right infomericials, he can |
| but fear itself." Fear sells. Depressions, | | | | get pretty close. Entertain the masses, and |
| communist invasions, Nazi's taking over | | | | don't worry if you have any talent. It's not |
| Europe. He made people so worried that they | | | | stopping anyone else. |
| didn't know what to buy first. Sadly, | | | | |