| Twelve is a very mystical number. There are twelve | | | | and the Nazis have been relegated to just running |
| planets in our galaxy, if you count Earth four times, | | | | our public schools. But there are lots of other things |
| five if you don't consider Pluto to be a planet. There | | | | to be afraid of. |
| were twelve people (aside from Jesus) at the last | | | | You're 85 years old and afraid that you will not be |
| supper. And there are twelve letters in the name | | | | able to perform with your 22 year old girlfriend? |
| Barry Manilow. So it's no surprise that when Alcoholics | | | | Fortunately, there's now Viagra that assures an erect |
| Anonymous was trying to come up with a catchy | | | | penis. But what happens if your 110 year old mother |
| way to get people to stop drinking that they came | | | | suddenly rings the bell and wants you and your 22 |
| up with a twelve step program. My 12 step program | | | | year old girlfriend to take her food shopping? Can't |
| is better than AAs in that they only promise you | | | | shop with an erection! Someone needs to come up |
| sobriety. With ours you'll make tons of money, and | | | | with an Unviagra. |
| you don't even have to be sober. Heck, you don't | | | | Afraid that global warming will ruin your daughter's |
| even have to follow all twelve steps; you should be | | | | bat mitzvah? Start selling global warming insurance. |
| fine if you follow just one. And if that weren't | | | | But be careful, fears are very trendy and easily fall |
| already enough, if you buy now, I'll throw in an extra | | | | out of favor. Although after the 1995 Oklahoma City |
| step. But please, pay careful attention or you might | | | | bombing everyone was afraid of our home grown |
| just only become a billionaire. | | | | terrorists, they quickly fell out of favor for the |
| Step 1: Make People's Lives Easier | | | | foreign ones who often have names we can not |
| This morning, I woke up and immediately went to | | | | pronounce, making them automatically more scary. |
| the bathroom. But only fifteen years ago, I would | | | | Step 6: Help the Rich |
| have been forced to go outside to an outhouse. | | | | My partner Michel regularly goes on business trips |
| Indoor plumbing has certainly made your life and mine | | | | where he stays in five star hotels. Last week he |
| a lot easier and made one or two inventors quite | | | | suggested that I come down for a night or two with |
| wealthy. And yet, I still have to get out of bed to go | | | | our oldest daughter. Since I'm too cheap to ever |
| to the bathroom; there are still no toilet beds. Invent | | | | spend my own money on a luxury hotel, I thought it |
| a toilet bed, matching sheets and toilet paper, and | | | | would be nice and cost nothing to show my four |
| you're on your way to trillionairehood. | | | | year how the rich live. We took a taxi from the train |
| How can you make your life or the life of others | | | | station to the hotel where we were greeted by a |
| easier? I still have to put sugar, then milk into my | | | | hotel employee who opened the taxi door for us. |
| coffee every morning. And that's not all. Then, I have | | | | Since I was not going to be paying for the hotel, I |
| to stir. Why hasn't anyone yet invented sugar milk? | | | | thought what the hell, and gave him a 25¢ tip. |
| Or better yet, why hasn't anyone invented a sugar | | | | Then there was another employee who opened the |
| milk spoon that would melt in my coffee as I twirl it | | | | hotel door for us. Another quarter. A maid came to |
| around? I would no longer have to spend countless | | | | our room to offer to shine my sneakers. As soon as |
| seconds looking for my milk and my sugar. I'm | | | | she left, someone else was there offering a big |
| exhausted before I take my first sip. How about a | | | | chocolate chip cookie to my daughter. Within the first |
| sugar-milk-coffee spoon that would just melt in your | | | | fifteen minutes of being at the hotel, my free night |
| mouth. Note to self, call Starbucks and see if they're | | | | at the hotel had already cost me $5. I didn't care that |
| interesting in going in fifty-fifty on this project with | | | | it was only 3 in the afternoon, I told my daughter to |
| me. | | | | get in her pajamas, we were going to sleep for the |
| Step 2: Make the Universe a Better Place | | | | night while I still had some cash left in my wallet. |
| Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu, more commonly known on | | | | It's costs a lot of money to be rich. So while the |
| the street as Mother Teresa, cared for refugees, the | | | | poor don't really need all that much money, the rich |
| blind, disabled, aged, alcoholics, the poor and | | | | do. So any way you can help them, I believe that |
| homeless, and even those that overused the | | | | you shall be rewarded. When you are a trillionaire, |
| expression, "as a matter of fact". But she never | | | | remember those billionaires who are less fortunate |
| really did much for the rich, except perhaps make | | | | than you are and try to help. There are lots of |
| them feel guilty. So she died pretty poor. On the | | | | young, rich people out there that don't really need |
| other hand, Sir Walter Reeses boldly took two great | | | | your love but could really use some of your money. |
| tastes (chocolate and peanut butter) and put them | | | | Step 7: Take Advantage of the Needy |
| into one candy bar: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. | | | | The advantage of helping the rich is that you can |
| Mother Teresa is up to become a saint, but Walter | | | | charge huge mark-ups like 19,000%. But it is difficult |
| got knighted just like Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Elton | | | | to find people who can afford to spend $38,000 for |
| John. Sirdom is a lot more financially rewarding than | | | | something that costs you $2 to produce. You can't |
| sainthood. I digress. | | | | charge the needy as much, but look around you, |
| How can you make the universe a better place, | | | | there are so many of them. They're everywhere. For |
| particularly for the rich? Many people focus on what | | | | example, the other day I stopped by my parents |
| the poor don't have; but what about what the rich | | | | house while they had some friends over. As I arrived |
| don't have? Do they not matter? In Greenwich, | | | | they were talking about Barry Manilow, how |
| Connecticut you can call your next door neighbor's | | | | gorgeous he is, and how at sixty-three years old, he |
| mother a pedantic endomorph, but will gang violence | | | | still sings like a twenty year old. O.K., they were |
| ensue as a result? Probably not. So some brilliant | | | | delusional, but they were not hurting anybody. And |
| entrepreneur invented Playstation 3 which brings all | | | | then for some unknown reason, they started talking |
| the fun of livin' in da hood to your own home movie | | | | about hip hop, 25 cents, Dr. Drech, Iced Coffee, and |
| theater. And thanks to ingenuous businessmen like | | | | Tupac Schomberg. They were like deer caught in the |
| Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, bad boys throughout | | | | glare of some car's headlights. Someone was going to |
| Connecticut can listen to hip hop music, dress like | | | | get him. I left before anyone got hurt. But on my |
| gangsta bitches, and play with their X-boxes. Isn't the | | | | way home I thought about how wonderful (and |
| world a great place? | | | | profitable) it would be to create a book on Explaining |
| Fear not, there's still room for improvement. The rich | | | | Hip Hop to Jewish Senior Citizens. You could then |
| still get herniated discs, indigestion, and have to spend | | | | follow up with a book on Explaining Square Dancing |
| time on the weekends with their whiny kids. Has | | | | to Jewish Senior Citizens or Explaining Hard Liquor to |
| anyone come up with a golf bag that is easier to | | | | Jewish Senior Citizens. |
| carry from your garage to your car and can play | | | | Step 8: Your Health |
| with your kids while your sipping a martini? Maybe | | | | Whenever I give out advice to people, I like to |
| one that can get out of your trunk and into your | | | | preface it with the fact that although I am not "an |
| garage with a simple verbal command. Go out and | | | | official psychologist", I did take a course in |
| make the world a better place. For the rich. | | | | psychology in high school, and I got an "A" in the |
| Step 3: Solve Problems That Don't Really Exist | | | | class. Self actualization is a key term and concept |
| There are two types of problems: those that exist | | | | that is studied by us psychologists. Since you |
| and those that don't exist. Solving actual problems (or | | | | probably did not take high school psychology, I'll try |
| the ones that actually exist) is difficult, time | | | | to keep this simple. Self actualization is the full |
| consuming, depressing, and never financially | | | | realization of one's potential. So, if you are fat, ugly, |
| rewarding. Focus on problems that don't exist. Some | | | | and stupid, self actualization basically means that you |
| people have a difficult time telling the two apart. So | | | | accept yourself for who you are and will work very |
| let me help. | | | | hard to reach your very limited self potential. |
| The North Koreans have nuclear weapons but don't | | | | Fortunately, most people are totally unaware of self |
| have any food. So they tend to wake up cranky. It's | | | | actualization, and few strive to become it. This is |
| just a matter of time before they sell a nuclear | | | | good as there is no money to be made in a self |
| bomb to a group of terrorists that own an all you | | | | actualized crowd. Letting people believe that they can |
| can eat buffet. This is a real problem. The fact that | | | | be smarter, better looking with little to no effort, |
| we are all going to die, probably as the winner of the | | | | now that's where the money is. Your nose is too big; |
| next season of American Idol is just about to be | | | | your penis is too small. But here's a pill that you can |
| announced is not only depressing, but who the hell | | | | take that will change all that. And although none of |
| knows how to solve this problem. Not me. | | | | this really works, isn't it wonderful that you are |
| The Canadians do not have nuclear weapons. But | | | | helping people to reach their better potential. |
| they come into our country, dress like us, eat like us, | | | | Step 9: For the Kids |
| and take our most coveted jobs. People bitch and | | | | My partner Michel is French, and it's so difficult to buy |
| whine about the Mexicans. But Alex Trebek, who has | | | | anything for him. He's so fussy. If I buy him a |
| 100% full control of what you see on Jeopardy, the | | | | sweater, he wants it be in his size, not mine. If I buy |
| categories chosen for both Jeopardy and Double | | | | him music, he wants it to be music he likes. But he |
| Jeopardy, is not Mexican; he's Canadian. The late | | | | likes opera. My kids, like all kids, love everything. You |
| Peter Jennings who used to always tilt world news | | | | can take two sticks and put it in a box, and as long |
| to a Canadian perspective would dip his Doritos in | | | | as you tell kids that they are magical sticks, they will |
| maple syrup, not guacamole. Will & Grace. Grace- | | | | love them. Hey, that's not a bad idea for a business! |
| Jewish and originally from New York. But Will- | | | | So while I would suggest shying away from selling |
| Canadian. Not right. | | | | anything to the French, kids are a great market. |
| But there's a solution. Why doesn't someone come | | | | Forgot to make dinner? Put out a bag of Doritos. |
| up with a line of T- shirts that say, "I'm not | | | | Kids will eat it. The French won't. And although most |
| Canadian!" Of course, you would have to show your | | | | people hate spending money on their French, they |
| birth certificate in order to get one of the T-shirts. | | | | love spending money on their kids. |
| They'd come in all different colors. There are about | | | | Step 10: Stop the Madness! |
| six billion people floating around that are NOT | | | | From Baghdad to Brussels there are millions of people |
| Canadian. So the market is pretty big. | | | | dying every day in religious strife and none of my |
| So how can you come up with some problems that | | | | tupperware tops go with the containers. It's crazy! |
| don't really exist? If the truth be known, as it seldom | | | | But I am forced to buy a wide range of shapes and |
| should, my ability to solve problems that don't exist is | | | | sizes as I never know what leftovers I'll have. The |
| just a natural talent that I was born with, along with | | | | world we live in is insane, and there's lots of money |
| my ability to worry about ailments that I don't yet | | | | to be made as a result. How can you stop all this |
| have. This is not something I learned. So how the hell | | | | madness? There's really nothing to do about all the |
| can I explain to you how to come up with your own | | | | people dying in religious strife, but I think we can |
| non-existent problems? Shit, this is a real problem! | | | | improve tupperware. Could it be made of a more |
| Step 4: It's Necessary-You Just Don't Realize It Yet! | | | | malleable plastic? Should Tupperware come in neon |
| Do you remember back in the 90s when NBC used | | | | colors? |
| to call their Thursday night line-up, "Must see TV."? A | | | | Step 11: Learning |
| couple of years before Friends was going off the air, | | | | I've always had a hunger to learn. When I was eight, |
| I wrote to the president of NBC and told him to | | | | I memorized the names of all one hundred and |
| change it to "Please watch TV." We're not promising | | | | seventy exits of the New Jersey Garden State |
| anything, we're asking you a favor. Didn't listen to | | | | Parkway. And it payed off well. About a month after |
| me, and they lost trillions of dollars in advertising. | | | | learning this I was down in Florida visiting my |
| Although not everyone can come up with solutions | | | | grandmother when two of her friends (a husband |
| to problems that don't really exist, we all should be | | | | and wife) were arguing whether the entrance for the |
| able to determine when something is necessary even | | | | New Jersey Turnpike is Exit 129 or 139 off of the |
| when we don't realize it yet. The key to this is to | | | | Garden State Parkway. The husband was right (129), |
| not live your life in the present. Live in the future. | | | | and paid me a dollar for my knowledge. I later found |
| Perhaps this is also the way to solve problems that | | | | out that the wife would have paid me five to have |
| don't really exist. | | | | lied. But it didn't matter. I realized that my knowledge |
| My daughters are all under five. But I often worry | | | | could be profitable and quickly became a consultant |
| what if they marry men that I don't like? Everyone | | | | to anyone needing to know anything about the right |
| has children so as to have someone to complain to | | | | exit to get off on The Parkway. At the same time |
| when you get old. "How come you never come visit | | | | that I was learning all the exits on The Parkway, my |
| me or how come you only come to visit me once a | | | | sister memorized the exits of the Turnpike. But there |
| day or how come nobody has massaged my feet | | | | were only sixteen of them, and she was never really |
| today? But what if your future son-in-laws don't | | | | able to capitalize on her knowledge. So make sure to |
| know how to massage feet? I've written up a | | | | learn something valuable. If you go to a coctail party, |
| contract that all my daughters have signed that gives | | | | someone may ask you who was the 8th president |
| me veto power. I'd be happy to send you a copy to | | | | of the United States (Martin Van Buren), but nobody |
| have your kids sign. Just send me a check for $586 | | | | ever asks who the 8th vice president of the United |
| and a self addressed stamped envelope. Don't live for | | | | States, who by the way was also Martin Van Buren. |
| the day, live for tomorrow. Everyone is so focused | | | | I kid you not. There are no exits on the Garden |
| on what baby boomers are going to want when | | | | State Parkway that make any reference to Martin |
| they are retired and no longer working. But what are | | | | Van Buren. I kid you not. |
| they going to want when they are dead and no | | | | Step 12: Entertaining the Masses |
| longer period? Am I the only one who has come up | | | | According to Forbes, Jessica Simpson made more |
| with the idea of psychedelic tombstones or being | | | | than 14 million dollars in 2005. That figure could have |
| able to be cremated at your death and to be | | | | been double or even three times that amount if she |
| recycled into an incense candle? | | | | actually had any talent. Tom Cruise made $67 million |
| Step 5: Defending the Homeland | | | | in the same year. His twin brother Rush Limbaugh |
| Who was the greatest businessman of the 20th | | | | made $30 million. If Tom Cruise can maintain his star |
| century? That's right, you guessed it, Franklin Delano | | | | status for the next one hundred years, he will have |
| Roosevelt. FDR coined the very clever phrase, | | | | made over 6.7 billion dollars. It's not a trillion, but if he |
| "There is nothing to fear but fear itself." Fear sells. | | | | invests in the right infomericials, he can get pretty |
| Depressions, communist invasions, Nazi's taking over | | | | close. Entertain the masses, and don't worry if you |
| Europe. He made people so worried that they didn't | | | | have any talent. It's not stopping anyone else. |
| know what to buy first. Sadly, communism is dead, | | | | |