Potent Pachyderms

Right now there are four ads on TV that featureof sorts, I let him be. I kind of wonder how many
elephants. One is a tap dancing elephant that'stimes he'd heard that question already - or was
advertising - I don't know what -another advertises aabout to. Later I found out that a couple of
financial firm, another something about Africa and theelephants had run amuck from the Shrine Circus,
last one is for cookies, oreos with peanut butterwhich had indeed been in town.Not too long ago I
filling. The thing is, I just get the feeling that this iswas on a PETA website (People for the Ethical
some sort of ploy to appeal to the conservatives inTreatment of Animals) and I noticed that they had
America, you know, using this potent Republican toan article about the Shrine Circus and their
sell you stuff. Well, I got news for all thesemistreatment (alleged. reputed) of elephants.
advertising firms, I ain't gonna eat no damnElephants are generally social and peacable animals
Republican cookies or Republican anything else. So cutand tend not to misbehave unless things are really
it out, already.Anyways, all of these elephants remindbad. That is female elephants. I guess male elephants
me of my own terrifying encounter with an escapedaren't usually used because they're just SOBs and no
circus elephant. It happened about two years agoone wants to deal with them. They're necessary to
when I was still living in the Twin Cities. I was inmake more elephants, but that's about it. That pretty
Wisconsin for the Weekend visiting my father and Imuch holds true for the males of many species, too,
had gone out for a jog. As I was returning from myby the way. Unless you neuter them, then they're
jog, I saw, about a block away in the park, a circusjust pussycats.My problem with PETA is that they
elephant. My first thought was that I didn't knowseem to have the attitude that they're right and
that elephants needed to be walked but it must beeveryone who doesn't agree with them is Hitler. Hey,
what they were doing. Elephants need exercise don'tPETA, even Hitler had his okay points. He was a
they? Makes sense. Right?I jogged a little closer andvegetarian. Bet you don't disapprove of that. And I
saw that the elephant was being escorted by twosaw a video of Hitler once where he was petting a
men. One was a trim older fellow with silver hair whodog's head. True, the dog was cowering in abject
seemed to have a sort of patient, business-like airterror, but Hitler was smiling and he was nice to the
about him while the other guy was a young hillbillyfrightened dog for at least as long as the camera
with a mullet and a pot-belly. They were guiding thewas rolling. So you got to give him that.You know,
elephant with sticks underneath her tusks. The menPETA, if you want to sell somebody on something -
stopped a woman passing by and it looked like theyincluding ideas - the first thing you've got to do is
were asking directions, as she then gestured towardsbuild some rapport with them. When you're throwing
the University, which is the direction they thenpaint on someone you're not building a lot of rapport
turned.They passed by my Dad's house at the samewith them, unless perhaps, they're also someone who
time I got there and I yelled out to them: "Hey, islikes throwing paint on people. Then you're on solid
the circus in town?" The Hillbilly replied in a grumpyground.Steve Sommers is the author of Breakfast
voice: "It was." And then seeing that he seemed outwith the Antichrist.